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Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit