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[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
this chia pet tastes awful
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.