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Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.