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Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
i’m so sick of this guy
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet