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Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.