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If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it