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WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”