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My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
Me too 😆
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed