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Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Traffic stop
Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car
Me: it was like that when I bought it
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”