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we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Holy crap this is wonderful