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Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*