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Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Just organising my finances.
you could not pay me to delete this app
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
By Kate Hatos
