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I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!