84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
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Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.