Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician

Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months

Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset

Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”

I must have the white iPhone.

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?

having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

The USS B port

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

no one:

my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?

tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away

Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.

*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*

Hostage: *screaming*

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*

New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work

He didn’t suffer, it was instant

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.