84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
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According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
some cats are just doing for fun!
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I enjoy a good short stor
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant