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I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Most fashion shows these days…
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.