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Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.