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need a new bf mines broken 😐
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Introverted vegans go meetless
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder