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Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
on da cob, we all corn
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.