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your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*