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Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
This hospital has everything
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?