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Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
