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Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
My purse is deeper than some people.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Mornin
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed
Cat owners: I took garbage out one night
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.