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I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Cucumbers Anonymous
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.