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Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
New nose
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Him: I need advice.
Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.