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My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
yo who decided that the standard lullabies for children are about people dying of bubonic plague or baby cradles falling out of trees
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Did we do it, did we save the daylight
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.