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Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
per my last wtf
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.