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My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
a New Yorker reject, for you
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely