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“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away