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I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
August 8
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
April 1st is the class clown of days.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.