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you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now