You Might Also Like
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly