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Why socialize when you could party inside your room with your 99+ personalities.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
reviewed some movies recently
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
this is how life feels
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
The Book. The Movie.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.