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*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
How it started How it’s going
Cake!!
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.