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[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg