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Approached a patron who was cooking a pot of ramen at a study table and said “I’m sorry but you can’t do that in the library.”
Indignantly they responded “Where do you expect me to do it? At my house?”
And I was like “Well when you say it like that it does sound unreasonable.”
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
💀😭
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.