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How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
you’re damn right i have
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*