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Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
courtroom exchange of the day
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.