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every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
every. time.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it