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“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving