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Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.