You Might Also Like
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
and this one
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Writing, She Murdered.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.