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There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.