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you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night