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Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
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They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.