You Might Also Like
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
.. do you even science?
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
No laws when master is gone
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.