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Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
me to God
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
TODAY
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.