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5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
I got bills
They’re multiplying
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.