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[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*