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Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows