You Might Also Like
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.