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Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
War & Peace
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I’ve never actually seen mistletoe in real life. It is an outdated tradition, or do people just take it down when they know I’m visiting?
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!