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Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.