You Might Also Like
Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Help
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
When ur friends with white people
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see