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Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Tammy is short for Tamuel