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Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.