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which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Well, this certainly took a turn
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up