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To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big