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[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”