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What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Does it…does it take 3 days
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.