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Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Butt weight. There’s more!
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Put a ring on it
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?