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Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
The Others (2001)
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not