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DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*