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best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
This coffee cake doesn’t seem to be helping my alertness at all
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
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My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”