*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
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It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too