I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
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that’s really how it is
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
I told my crush I liked them through a Spotify playlist
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Dog 911: hello
Dog: I accidentally ate the trash
Dog 911: crouch low to pretend you are sorry
Dog: but I’m not sorry
Dog 911: I said pretend
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”