@AnkCoupleTO

*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down

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@KentWGraham

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

@LuvPug

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

@KimmyMonte

The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.

@PaperWash

Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.

@NewDadNotes

Dog 911: hello
Dog: I accidentally ate the trash
Dog 911: crouch low to pretend you are sorry
Dog: but I’m not sorry
Dog 911: I said pretend

@RidiculousSheri

I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.

@JohnLyonTweets

*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*

*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*

@Maddy_ubert

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”