*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
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Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
I identify as an antique shop.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
HELP 😭
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
