85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
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“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.