Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow

Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?

Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.

🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵

Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”

Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably

i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different

da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn

*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*

My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg

My dinner: Haribo

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

These aliens are taking forever.

Jesus: [walking past a pond]

[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]

Jesus: [starts walking faster]

husband: *worrying*

me: I don’t think you should worry about that

husband: well what should I worry about instead then

[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.

“Update the force, Luke”

Adobe Wan Kenobi

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there

Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”