85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
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Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
For Valentine’s Day, I’m gift-wrapping a shirt my husband hasn’t worn in years. It’s the thought that counts—and technically, I thought of it twice.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
My birthstone is kidney
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
I asked myself if I was toxic and we said no
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me