Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[CSI at Starbucks]

“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”

Barista: At what?

“At large”

At what?

“At venti?”

OMG HOW AWFUL!!!

*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

I found a set of keys everyone was looking for in the pub so i’m a magpie now apparently if anyone’s lost any shiny shit

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city

its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.

Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]

“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”

And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎

My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket

Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.

2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.

am i feeling hopeful about the future?

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.

We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde

Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

My warrants are pretty outstanding.

The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!

Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!

[3 days later]

W: Can you take the trash out?

M: No way!

W: *angry* I beg your pardon?

M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again

W: I despise you

it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel

officer: fair enough

Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.

Normalize arguing with plants who refuse to stay alive.